


The Birds and the Banthas

by mudkippy



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Compliant, Complete, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, Sex Education, Short One Shot, all clones are himbos, basically i was watching clone wars and a clone made a joke about going on leave, but like for the lulz, do they get to go on leave?, here's obi-wan trying to make a difference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:55:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21726358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mudkippy/pseuds/mudkippy
Summary: Obi-wan Kenobi secures shore leave for the 212th, but soon realizes their education may have been lacking in certain areas, leaving him in an embarrassing position.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody & Obi-Wan Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Clone Troopers, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Shaak Ti, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Yoda
Comments: 30
Kudos: 533





	The Birds and the Banthas

The _Negotiator_ ’s viewports blazed red-hot as the _Venator_ class Star Destroyer entered Coruscant’s upper atmosphere. Obi-Wan watched from the bridge as the city-planet’s glowing lights resolved themselves into millions of buildings stretching into the far horizon. The _Negotiator_ had arrived at sunset and the distant walls of the Jedi Temple glowed scarlet in the air pollution.

“Bring her about, south-southwest to Point Delta Nine Four,” barked the admiral, and the slowly banked left, gliding through the omnipresent speeder traffic towards the massive slab of duracrete that served as a mixed landing platform and parade ground. The _Negotiator_ ’s sister ships, the _Justice_ and the _Civilized_ were parked on the far side. A small stream of olive-shirted officers was already disembarking from the _Civilized_.

Obi-Wan had returned to Coruscant several times since the Clone Wars’ outset, but this time was different. The recent victory at Ryloth had granted the fleet some peace and given him something even rarer—a three whole days of leave. He would undoubtedly spend it in meetings or on the comm channels reminding Anakin to follow orders, but he would sleep in his own chambers, without hearing the constant scream of mortars or hum of a starship’s engine. He would have time to meditate in the Temple’s gardens and practice his forms alongside his fellow Jedi. Cin Drallig had even offered to let him teach a class of padawans the day after tomorrow.

He sensed Cody coming up behind him before the commander spoke.

“General, will you need an escort to the Jedi Temple?” Cody asked.

“No, thank you, Cody,” Obi-Wan said, turning to face his second-in-command. Cody was standing at attention. _Still a stickler for protocol._ “At ease.”

“We’ll be ready to disembark in three days at oh-five-hundred,” Cody said.

“Very good, commander.” Obi-Wan was watching the landing platform loom ever closer until a thought struck him. “What will you be doing until then?”

“Ghost Company will be performing weapons maintenance. Colo Company has been assigned to medical supplies inventory. Helo and Pound Companies will be scrubbing carbon scoring from the _Civilized_. The rest of the Two Hundred Twelfth will be on base.”

“Just on the base?”

“I don’t follow, General.”

“We’ve been assigned three days of _leave_ ,” Obi-Wan said. “That does mean you can leave the base.”

Cody paused, his helmet tilted. “And do what, sir? The Coruscant Guard has been more than capable of handling security threats in the capital.”

“Explore,” Obi-Wan suggested. “There’s more to see on Coruscant than any other planet we’ve been to—and considerably fewer battle droids in the way.”

“I’m not sure if we can do that, General,” Cody said slowly. “The regs don’t say anything about leaving base.”

Obi-Wan frowned. “Do they say anything about staying on base?”

“No, sir.”

“Well, then, that solves that problem.”

Obi-Wan felt Cody’s unease cracking his professional veneer.

“The men took a beating on our last tour of duty,” Obi-Wan added. “It might do them good to leave military life behind for a day or two before we head out to Felucia. I have a few suggestions for places to see.”

“Leave it _behind_ , General?” Cody sounded aghast. “Sir, we were bred to fight. It doesn’t bother us to stay on base. It’s the life we know.”

“That’s what worries me, Cody,” Obi-Wan countered. “You shouldn’t miss out on the rest of what the galaxy has to offer.”

The _Negotiator_ juddered to a halt as it settled onto its struts.

“Arrival at Triple Zero,” a clone’s voice reported over the comms. “Local time: Twenty-forty-five hours. Standby for unloading.”

“I ... would need leave to be cleared by high command,” Cody said finally. “The last thing we need is to be court-martialed for scaring the civvies, General.”

Obi-Wan stroked his beard. “Then on second thought, Commander, I would like that escort.”

* * *

The LAAT/i ascended from the _Negotiator_ ’s hanger and set a course for the Senate Building. The city zipped by, barely seeming to notice the darkness falling from the east. Coruscant was a city of all hours. The cacophony of millions floated up into the open gunship, even over its pulsing engines.

Obi-Wan pondered his defense. The 212th had had leave before, but it had always been in space or sparsely-populated and hostile Outer Rim territories. In other words, they had never been somewhere safe or anywhere that merited exploration beyond mapping enemy positions. He owed it to his men to give them an interesting few days.

The LAAT/i touched down on the landing platform on the Senate building’s south face. Obi-Wan stepped off the gunship, then beckoned Cody after him. Cody automatically followed. 

“Why me?” Cody asked.

“We will undoubtedly need your opinion, Commander,” Obi-Wan said, “and it would be rude to hold a meeting about your battalion without its commanding officer.”

“Very good, sir.”

Despite the late hour, the building was still full. Most of them gave the two of them no heed; neither Jedi nor clones were uncommon sights in these halls. Obi-Wan wished for the day that would no longer be the case.

“I never realized there were so many types of beings in the galaxy,” Cody remarked after they passed a cohort of fleshy Kitonaks conversing with two long-necked Ithorians.

“Which is why shore leave would be an enlightening experience,” Obi-Wan said. “You shouldn’t only meet beings at the end of your blaster.”

“No, General. That’s for the meatheads in the Five-Oh-First.”

“Very funny, Cody. I think their commander has learned too much from their general.”

They stopped at the door to Chancellor Palpatine’s office. The chancellor’s red-robed guards glared at them for a moment before uncrossing their force pikes and allowing them to pass.

The door slid open to reveal Chancellor Palpatine at his desk. Sitting in front of him was Master Yoda. Holograms of Master Mace Windu and Master Shaak Ti stood off to his left.

“Is this enough of the high command for you, Cody?” Obi-Wan muttered.

“Sir...”

“Ah, Master Kenobi,” Master Yoda said. “Good it is, to see you after your long absence. And Commander Cody, welcome back to Coruscant.”

“Thank you, General Yoda,” Cody said, snapping to attention.

“A pleasure to see you as well, Master Yoda,” Obi-Wan said, bowing.

“Your campaign on Ryloth was most distinguished, Master Kenobi,” Palpatine said. “You have my congratulations. You have no idea how relieved I am that the Twi’leks are finally free of the Techno Union.”

“If we’re done with the pleasantries,” Mace said, “you said you had urgent business, Master Kenobi.”

“Yes,” Obi-Wan said, taking the seat beside Yoda. Cody took up a defensive position behind him. “The Two Hundred Twelfth is on shore leave for a few days and it’s come to my attention that the clones cannot leave the base during this time.”

“Why should they?” Palpatine asked. “Their business is war. I’m sure there are weapons to check and maintenance to perform.”

“Most of our maintenance was concluded while we were orbiting Ryloth,” Obi-Wan said. “My men have a few duties, but most can be finished by a few companies on the first day. They would be waiting on the base for the rest of the time. I suggest they explore the city instead.”

“This is unprecedented,” Mace said. “How many men are in your command?”

“A few thousand,” Obi-Wan said. “That number would soon disappear into a city as large as Coruscant. Besides, they are very well-behaved. I would not be surprised to learn if crime decreased in areas the clones visited.”

“The last thing we need is to lose clones because they were stabbed in an alleyway by Coruscanti criminals,” Palpatine said. “The base is the safest place for them.”

“Their training will serve them well against common scum,” Shaak Ti commented.

“With respect, Chancellor, I believe the Clone Wars will end,” Obi-Wan said. “And when it does, we will have millions of clones transferred from active duty to a peacekeeping force. These clones know little of the galaxy that they fight to defend, but that knowledge will prove invaluable at war’s end. And in ten or fifteen years, the clones will be too old for active service. We cannot keep them ‘on base’ forever.”

“I believe Master Kenobi is correct,” Shaak Ti said, her holoimage wobbling slightly. “The clones are not trained in negotiation or dealing with different races. Early exposure to the outside world will help us transition them into peacekeepers.”

“And what if the clones find civilian life preferable to a soldier’s?” Palpatine asked.

Cody’s sudden anger was palpable.

“They would never desert by themselves,” Shaak Ti said. “Their brothers keep them together. A company or squad would be easier to find than a single clone.”

“I dislike the accusation, but three days is not long enough for desertion,” Obi-Wan said. “I would stake my lightsaber on it.”

“Separatist saboteurs are everywhere,” Mace said. “Letting clones walk around undefended may be asking for trouble.”

“What do you think, Commander Cody?” Obi-Wan asked.

Cody flinched in surprise at the sudden address.

“Yes, let us ask the clone what he thinks,” Palpatine said.

“The men will not wander off alone, General,” Cody said. “We operate as unit, especially in foreign territory.”

“As I expected,” Shaak Ti agreed.

“Master Yoda, you have been silent,” Palpatine said.

“Concerns I have, for the clone’s safety,” Yoda said, “but answered, they have been, by Commander Cody. Beings, these clones are. Cruel it is, to prevent them from experiencing life outside the army.”

“Your loyalty to your men is to be commended, Master Kenobi,” Palpatine said. “Very well. Your battalion may leave the base as they wish, as long as they return to their ships on time.”

Mace’s holo turned towards Cody. “Does your battalion wish to leave the base?”

“I’m not sure, General Windu,” Cody said, “but I know a few men who would jump at the chance.”

“Enjoy Coruscant, your men will,” Yoda said. He chuckled. “Much to see, there is, for newcomers.”

The holos of Shaak Ti and Mace Windu bowed to Yoda and the Chancellor before turning off.

“Return with me, you must. Missed you, the Temple has,” Yoda said to Obi-Wan. “My own transport, I have. Return to the shipyards you may, Commander Cody.”

They bowed to the Chancellor and left his scarlet chambers. Cody saluted and promised to tell the 212th the news before heading towards the LAAT/i on the other side of the building.

“A good idea, this is,” Yoda said, “for the citizens and the clones.”

“I’ve heard some citizens think the clones are droids in armor,” Obi-Wan said.

“More dedicated to the war effort, they will be, if they know their soldiers are beings,” Yoda said. He sighed deeply. “Heavy, this war has weighed, on all hearts. Gladdens me, it does, that the clones will learn friendship instead of destruction.”

Yoda’s transport was waiting on the west dock. They spent the ride to the Temple reminiscing about Obi-Wan’s padawan training, of old masters long dead, and discussing promising new padawans in Yoda’s crèche—anything but the war. They would have time for that later.

Finally, Obi-Wan retired to his quarters. A fine layer of dust covered the floor and blankets; it had been months since his last visit. He called a cleaning droid and pored over Outer Rim star charts as he waited. When the droid was finished, Obi-Wan shut off the lights, pulled off his boots, and laid on his back, his arms folded under his head. He debated disabling his comm for true freedom, but that might be dangerous these days.

True freedom _could _be dangerous, but hopefully not for his soldiers in the coming days. Under all that training, were still young men, barely Anakin’s age—at least physically—and they had rarely interacted with anyone other than their brothers. Most of the clones had probably had never met a female before, despite the Twi’leks many of them had painted on the sides of their gunships...__

Obi-Wan’s eyes snapped open.

He rolled out of bed and sprinted to the holoroom, trying to calculate the local time on Kamino. He had spoken to Shaak Ti less than an hour ago; surely she would still be awake.

She answered his comm almost immediately. The Togruta master filled the holo, her red skin now dull blue.

“Master Kenobi,” she said, “what is the urgency? Has something gone wrong with leave?”

“It may come to pass,” Obi-Wan said. “Are the troopers flash-trained in—” _Blast it!_ “—sex ed?”

Shaak Ti raised an eyebrow. “What an interesting question.”

“Three thousand of them are about to leave the base tomorrow.” He left the rest unsaid. 

“I admit I only see them during their final stages of combat training,” she said, “but I can contact Nala Se.”

Shaak Ti blurred out of existence and Obi-Wan was left to contemplate his socks. Of all the intricacies of sentient culture, he strongly suspected mating rituals were the one that would land the most clones in trouble if they were unsupervised.

The holo beeped and Obi-Wan turned it on. Shaak Ti was standing beside an especially short Kaminoan with a tall collar and a diadem suspended between her enormous eyes.

“Ah, Master Jedi,” Nala Se said. “Master Shaak Ti tells me you have a question about our product.”

“Are the clones given sex ed?” 

“Of course not,” Nala Se said calmly. “It is not beneficial to their fighting ability. Reproduction and extraneous connections often hamper unit cohesion. However, we did not sterilize the clones, as we were curious about the heritability of traits we installed in their DNA.” Her head bobbed closer to the holo. “Have you discovered a clone-fathered child?”

“No,” Obi-Wan said, fighting sudden revulsion. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know what studies the Kaminoans would conduct on a baby. “My battalion is being given shore leave tomorrow, where they’ll likely encounter many ... ah, attractive beings.”

“Shore leave? I am unfamiliar with the term.”

“The clones will be given free rein to wander around Coruscant.”

“Your Jedi empathy does not serve you well here, Master Jedi,” Nala Se said. “The clone units should be kept on base to maintain their mission focus.”

“It has been decided, Nala Se,” Shaak Ti said sternly. “They are soldiers, but they are men, too.”

“We have no say over the troops after they leave Kamino,” Nala Se agreed. “To summarize, Master Jedi, we do not give our units a formal sexual education, but prior to the Clone Wars, we hired mercenaries to assist in combat training for our commando units. It is possible that the clones acquired some knowledge through these trainers.”

“Thank you,” Obi-Wan said.

After Nala Se disappeared from the screen, Shaak Ti asked, “What will you tell your men?”

Obi-Wan reddened. He hoped that would not show up on the holo. “I think I need to find out what they know, first. I may not need to say anything.”

She smiled mischievously. “Let us hope that is the case. If it’s not, I would give my lightsaber to sit in on your _class_.”

The holo turned off before Obi-Wan could reply, leaving him in darkness. He was not looking forward to his conversation with Cody tomorrow.

* * *

Obi-Wan summoned a LAAT/i to the Jedi Temple early the next morning, forgoing his planned morning meditation. The gunship returned him to the shipyard, where he was scheduled to meet Cody and a few other company commanders.

They were already there when Obi-Wan arrived, sitting at the table with their helmets off, sipping caf. The clones had not had caf on Kamino and their newfound appreciation for the drink was reaching addiction.

When Obi-Wan entered, the clones stood at attention until he waved them down and sat beside Cody.

“Company commanders report widespread interest in shore leave,” Cody said. “I estimate two-thirds of the battalion will be off-base each day.”

“That’s good to hear,” Obi-Wan said.

“To what do we owe the honor, General?” Cody asked.

 _I would trade the galaxy to be anywhere else right now,_ Obi-Wan thought desperately. “What did your flash training tell you about females?”

The clones all looked at each other. Obi-Wan sensed a number of emotions floating around the room: surprise, confusion, embarrassment, and ... _amusement_?

“Not to treat them differently than any other humanoid, General,” said Colo Company’s sergeant, Loss. “They are just as dangerous.”

“They may act as spies to compromise our morale, sir,” added Waxer of Ghost Company.

“We have no compunctions about shooting them,” said Fanfare Company’s Maniac. Waxer kicked him under the table.

Obi-Wan silently cursed every deity in the galaxy and then made up a few more for good measure. There was truly no end to his suffering. 

Pix smirked, stretching the scar descending from his eye to his chin. “If you’re going to tell us about the dangers of female company, General, Tango Company is already _well_ acquainted from our time on Ryloth.”

The other company commanders turned on him immediately, demanding an explanation. Obi-Wan breathed a deep sigh of relief. Finally, a way out of his dilemma.

Over the shouting, Cody said, “General, with respect, it seems as though Sergeant Pix has superior knowledge on the subject, if you wish to leave.”

“No, I’ve started this mess and I’ll lead us out of it,” Obi-Wan said grimly. “Men!” The noise died down immediately. “I’d like to speak to Sergeant Pix alone. Cody, stay.”

The other clones topped off their caf and marched out, casting dark looks at Pix.

Once alone with his commanding officer and his general, Pix’s cockiness evaporated. “I wasn’t serious, General. You should hear what the Five-Oh-First get up to. They must have kids in ten systems by now.”

“Horrifying news, but not what we’re here to discuss,” Obi-Wan said. He wished Pix hadn’t said that; now Obi-Wan would need to have an equally awkward talk with Anakin and Rex. “Your knowledge of the enemy will serve your brothers well.”

“Is there a female spy, sir?”

“No, but I want all clones adequately prepared for a few days off base,” Obi-Wan said. “I want you to put together a training module on ... sex ed. Humanoid mating rituals. All men wishing to depart on leave will need to read it.”

Pix’s eyes lit up.

“It’s gotta read like any other Grand Army reg book,” Cody growled. “Nothing you wouldn’t want Master Yoda seeing.”

“Yes, sir,” Pix said, now chastened.

Cody tossed him a datapad. “Call your company. You have six hours and as much caf as you need to finish it.”

“Was offering them that much caf wise?” Obi-Wan asked as they left Pix to his publication.

“No,” Cody said, “but they’ll finish it.”

Obi-Wan ran a hand through his hair. “I’m glad that’s over with. Another happy landing.”

“But, General,” Cody said, straight-faced. “You need to oversee the distribution of the new reg.”

* * *

By sunset, the first clone units to ever go on leave were disembarking from the _Negotiator_. Obi-Wan had had to remind them that they should leave their armor off and their blasters in the armory. Half of them were wearing the red fatigues; the other half, the black bodysuit that normally went under their armor. Amusingly, they were still marching in formation.

The dissemination of Command Order 452.401.69 had gone better than Obi-Wan had feared. After some boyish hooting and stone-faced awkwardness, the clones had settled down. Some had asked Cody if Obi-Wan had written the order, but Pix fortunately outed himself and the rest of Tango Company as the true authors, for which they won no small infamy.

“It was an informative read, General,” was all that Cody would say.

Obi-Wan returned to the Jedi Temple and meditated and taught and attended meetings, as he had planned, always with his comlink on and fearing any kind of communication from Cody. He received a half-angry, half-amused message from Dex Jettster after an entire company had tried squeezing into his small diner, but nothing damning.

After three tense days, Obi-Wan reported back to the _Negotiator_. The command crew was already on the bridge, making the necessary calculations to jump to Felucia. Cody was also waiting, a datapad in hand.

“Tell me the casualties,” Obi-Wan said.

“Ultra in Jester Squad fell off a speeder and broke his arm,” Cody recited. “Trip in Whill Squad shot a duracrete slug and the bullet rebounded into his calf. Most of Ghost, Pound, and Tango Companies are in the med bay recovering from mild alcohol poisoning.”

“Who bought them drinks?” Obi-Wan demanded.

“Grateful citizens of the Republic. And I heard that Waxer and Boil in Ghost Company won a sharpshooting contest with the locals,” Cody said. “Fox, Wolffe, and Rex also contacted me at very unreasonable hours of the morning to ask how we had received shore leave.”

“There are no secrets,” Obi-Wan remarked.

“Not between brothers,” Cody said. “It seems like the men enjoyed it.”

“Good.” Obi-Wan glanced around the bridge, noticing all the new hairstyles, tattoos, and armor decorations that the troopers now sported. “It might be a few months before this happens again.”

“Worth the wait,” Cody said.

“Did you leave the base?”

“Yes, General.”

He did not elaborate further and Obi-Wan did not ask. The _Negotiator_ lifted off from the landing pad and the twinkling lights of Coruscant were soon replaced by the blackness of space.

_Back to work, then._

**Author's Note:**

> Chad 501st vs. Incel 212th. Battalion takes after general.
> 
> Also wasn't sure how to put it in text but basically Obi-Wan realizes he's loosing 3,000 virgin himbos on Coruscant and they'll be eaten alive. Cue the dad panic.


End file.
